The Finality of A Decision

This week has been tough. On Sunday evening, (March 26), my older brother called to share that his partner's granddaughter had committed suicide by hanging. After her parents issued the punishment of taking away her phone for getting in trouble again, she went to her room, sheltered in her closet, and ended her life. When she was found, by her older sister, attempts were made to resuscitate her, but it was too late. 15-year-old, ninth grader.

My brother and I have spoken every day since Sunday, him giving me updates on the family, the planning of the service, and me offering prayer and words of comfort to the family and to him. Last night (March 30) was the memorial service.

This morning my brother and I spoke. My first question to him, "How are you doing?" He responded, "My role has been supportive, being present. Giving space to tears and sadness. I was there through everything. When the medics arrived, I was there. When the coroner arrived, they asked the family to go to another room if they didn't want to see the removal of the body. But, I stayed and watched everything. The body bag being rolled out. All of it. You know I've seen all of this before. I was in the military."

Then, I asked, "How is the family doing?" And, he stated, "They are asking why. They are feeling disappointment, guilt, shame, and embarrassment."

To this I responded, "They will never know why. I understand they want closure. But, the decision was hers alone. There was a finality to her decision. She didn't ask for anyone's permission. While most people believe suicide is a cowardly and selfish act, I disagree. I believe making the decision to take you life and go through with it, is an act of courage. It is courageous. Interestingly enough, the feelings that the family is feeling in her death, they felt in her living. Every time she did something less than what was expected, her parents felt disappointment, shame, guilt, and embarrassment. And, she knew it. She felt it. And, she decided she would take the weight of it and end it."

This way of thinking might appear harsh. But, as someone who has stared death in the face of death and gone to a dark place once or twice in my life, I know what it means to be in an existential crisis. Not having the answers to your own life questions while trying to be present to other people's struggles and challenges can be draining and dangerous. It can be too weighty. At some point you have to throw off the mantle of living for others and decide how you will live your life, on your own terms. Accepting there will be disappointment, your own and other people's. You have to realize that you are not responsible for other people's feelings or their decisions, decisions made without your input. And, even if they asked for your input, the final outcome is theirs, and theirs alone. There will always be people who believe someone else is responsible for what is "wrong" in their life, wanting you to be answerable to their hurts, fears, challenges, even their life, wanting and needing you to feel their feelings. But, there is only one person responsible for you, your feelings, your disappointments, and that person is you.

At some point, hopefully, the family will resolve their why and allow themselves to let go of the disappointment, guilt, shame, and embarrassment that they are currently feeling. Hopefully, over the days, weeks, months, and years to come they will be relieved in knowing that their daughter responded to what and how she felt. Not knowing or believing there was a better outcome, she concluded an outcome. And, that was her decision and it was final.