ambiguity is a problem

Over the course of my life, I’ve noticed how ambiguity gets in the way of everything. Part of the problem, or maybe the entire hitch with ambiguity, is that it prevents us from telling the truth. For example, I really don’t want to accept an invitation to go to dinner with a particular person or group, or I don’t want to attend the wedding of a person who is marrying a jerk, although he’s her jerk. I know this immediately when asked because my gut, my intuition, my first mind, all the things I’ve grown to call it, is screaming, “NO, DON’T DO IT.” But, instead of listening to that inner voice and saying NO, I tell the person, let me get back to you. I know I’m only avoiding or delaying the inevitable because as the day or event nears, dread sets in and the internal conversation begins. I fuss at myself and shame condemns me for not having the courage to tell the truth in the first place. That’s how ambiguity operates. It trips me up every time. It makes me do or say things I really don’t want to say or do. I don’t believe there is any other way to say it except say it, since I’m being honest; ambiguity makes me lie and lie often. Not in malicious ways, but in ways that prevent me from hurting people’s feelings. Some people are probably saying that’s a good thing right? I have to say, it is not! Ambiguity keeps us from evolving into our better selves which involves living an authentic life, one where truth and honesty should dictate our actions.

Gilda Radner in her Delicious Ambiguity quotes, “I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.” Sometimes it just doesn’t happen, that perfect ending of make believe, where we will all sit in a circle, holding hands, and singing, “Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya…Someone is crying Lord, kumbaya” or asking the famous Rodney King question, “Can’t we just all get along?” Sometimes the answer will be categorically no, and everyone should be okay with that. I know, I know, some of you are asking, “Why can’t it happen?” Because we don’t live in make believe and every now and then there isn’t a happy ending! Plus, a huge dose of reality can be a very painful and gigantic pill to swallow.

Clearing up ambiguity, for me, involves accepting that there is black or white, and gray can’t always be part of the equation. As a student of the Bible, it is okay to let my “Nay be nay and my yea be yea.” Michael Platt, Professor and Director of Duke Institute for Brain Science, Center for Cognitive Neuroscience, in his research on gambling quotes, “Some people are impulsive, some people are not; some people think through their decisions while others don't, and sometimes this can become pathological. Impulsive behavior can be associated with all sorts of mental disorders like addiction or problem gambling. If it could be demonstrated that we could change the way people perceive risk and ambiguity by introducing a medication that could influence brain chemistry, someday we might be able to alleviate some types of pathological decision making.”

I agree. Saying yes when I really want to say no creates all kinds of pathological behavior and an expensive visit to the couch. Clearing up my ambiguity lessens this dilemma and the emotional, spiritual, and financial costs associated with it. Being with a person or attending an event I don’t want to takes a lot of energy and can obliterate all the hard work I’ve done over the years of clearing up the fog; particularly, since it’s ambiguity’s job is to keep me in the fog.

I was speaking to a person I know and she shared how for years she stayed in a relationship where she granted the other person all the power. She allowed herself to exist in a constant state of ambiguity, that betwixt and between space that caused her a lot of pain and suffering. Even after she broke up with the guy, she still wanted certainty that the relationship was over, which left her asking and asking him, “Are you sure?”

Ambiguity never brings closure. It keeps everyone involved in a perpetual dance where the music has stopped, but, everyone is too terrified to leave the dance floor. It takes risk to clear up ambiguity because it means that someone has to take the first step onto the stage and declare that the performance is over – no more singing, no more dancing, no more grinning. It’s over. Everyone take a bow, silence the thunderous applause, draw the curtain, clear the stage, and say goodbye to ambiguity.

I am now at an age where being clear about what I don’t like or want in my life is paramount to my sanity and safety. Whenever I open the door to ambiguity, chaos and confusion slip in behind it and they want to linger, stick around and bring in other friends whose names I don’t care to mention at this moment. But, you get my point. Moving forward, I’m not opening the door when ambiguity knocks because she and her friends are not welcomed.

* I wrote this piece some time ago, and decided to use it as my opening post. Weeks before the new year I decided I was going to stop postponing things I really wanted to do and do them. Blogging is just one of the many things that I will be doing in 2016. I hope you enjoy this blog, will visit it often, and look for an invitation to share some of your thoughts "from your desk."